Goth Dating Problems: Why Goth's Don't date Non-Goth's

·          

     Acceptance

There are huge issues of acceptance in the subculture. Lots of people like the style from afar but don’t understand or respect the people in it. In my personal experience when I’ve tried to date former friends who weren’t Goth or guys in general. It has been and continues to be a repetitive problem. People love the way I look, dress, do my hair and makeup, they love to see me out on the town or hanging out, and pictures  from my photoshoots, but it still will not click to them that it’s the real me. When I see some people outside of the local Goth/Alt/Industrial club scene and not much is different, I receive comments like “oooh, I didn’t know you actually dressed like that, I thought that’s just what you wore for clubbing or (insert blank here).”  The list goes on and on. I thought you were like that in order  to:

-Sell your Art

-Impress other Goths

-Just for Modeling

-For Halloween

-For a Costume party

-Joking

-Going to a concert or festival or event

-Rebel against your family

-On drugs

-Has serious emotional and other mental health problems and overall disturbed individual

- You were depressed

-Just a phase

-Just a thing you did as a teenager

·         Appreciation

People may leave you to your own devices as friends to a certain extent. But when it comes to dating they have something to say about your lifestyle preferences. Suddenly they want you to stop doing all of the things you love that makes you who you truly are.

“I don’t like girls that wear makeup, I noticed you wear a lot of it, If/when we start dating can you stop wearing makeup or just not wear any around me?”

“ Can’t you just wear some color once”

·         Manipulation

People like to try and tell you that changing other aspects of yourself which does nothing to hurt anyone is for your own good. As if they are the only ones who will ever be with someone like you, you’re lucky to have them, and if you don’t do what they say you’ll lose them. And will in the end just hurt yourself more in the long run. It’s a lot of narcissism that goes into this mentality and it happens all to often. Things may start off well, but slowly but surely over a period of weeks, months, or even years you’ll start to pick up on red flags here and there. Then as time passes by you’ll begin to notice a huge difference and you’ll be in too deep and it may be too late to turn back if you are put into a position of little to no power. By isolating you from your friends and family, moving you into the middle of nowhere, discouraging you from doing the things you love even on your own time, etc. Manipulation comes in all shapes and forms. It’s not always recognizable on the first date or in the first few years of dating. They’ll say things like,

-“ If you really love me, you’ll wear something colorful and push through feeling uncomfortable for me.”

-“ Can you please wear white for our wedding day? It’ll make me so happy”

- “ Can you take out your piercings to meet my friends and family?”

-“ Can you cover or remove your tattoos for me? I think you’d look so much prettier without them, you don’t need them to be beautiful for me.”

-“ I don’t like Goth Clothing, can you stop wearing them? I’d be more than happy to take you shopping for something pink and fluffy.”

-"Where do you think you're going dressed like that? You have to change or we're not going to (insert blank)." 

- "I don't like you wearing that so you have to change." 

-"Can you change into the outfit I bought you instead of that this one time, it's for my (mom, work, friends, me, etc)."

- "So-and-so doesn't like (insert blank) can you cover your tattoos, take out your piercings, put on a wig to cover your colorful and/or shaved hair. etc?" 

- "That scares people ca you not wear that?" 

They may do passive-aggressive things like ever so obviously hint at tattoo removal places, send you articles about nerve damage from piercings, crappy internet articles expressing “concern” from love ones who express themselves in a dark or alternative way, hide your clothing and replace them with colorful things, etc. 

I've heard horror stories from alternative women in dating spaces about how they were asked to walk behind their partners so no one would know they are together. They aren't allowed to post pictures or statuses about their partners or relationship. Not for privacy reasons but because they aren't publicly proud of their partners. Once they've agreed to do one thing against their own boundaries one time, for one thing, that's the way things always have to be in that department, and then it goes on and on. For example, you may be asked to "just this once" can you wear a brown wig to cover your colorful and or shaved sides of hair for a work party, to meet their parents, to hang around their conservative friends, etc. And from now on that's what you have to do every time you spend time with those people. And then those "favors" add up more and moreover the years and then you're just shell of a person from what you used to be. 

They Blame Your Shortcomings In Life On You Being Goth (Update)

For example, let's say you struggle with making new friends, finding a new job, issues with your family, etc. They may try to convince you that it's your fault things are the way they are. If you just stopped "being Goth" you wouldn't have to worry about any of that if you "made an effort to look like a regular person". If you just stopped listening to all of that "weird music". If you just stopped dressing the way you do. If you just covered your tattoos, took out your piercing, stopped dying your hair, etc all would be right in the world. If you tried picking up hobbies that weren't "creepy" or anything you'd be able to surround yourself with better people. As far as jobs go, this is true to a certain extent. you should dress a certain way for interviews and in professional settings. But when you are professional and you change the way you look to improve your chances of being hired. And you still deal with discrimination, microaggressions, petty drama, people making up rules and making them apply to you and getting mad at you for breaking them. And you try to vent about your issues, instead of listening they just shut it down before you're even able to make your point. It always comments like: 

-"If you worked better at hiding what you're into you wouldn't have to worry about that." 

-"Well, I don't like what you're wearing either I'm glad you got in trouble for it." 

-"Well, that's the way things are you'll just have to deal with it."

When it comes to maintaining or making new friends and things seem to be going well until they find out what you're into and you experience some of those same microaggressions. Instead of your partner being supportive or listening. It's shut down with things that basically agree with them and blame you for those negative reactions. When it comes to interacting with them in their circle they allow others to disrespect you and if you ask them to check those people. They downplay it and accuse you of being too sensitive or overdramatic. 

If your family doesn't expect you for being Goth/Alternative and they come from a happy supportive family. They may try to force you to be around people who aren't good for your mental health for the sake of "family". 

·         Protection

People assume Goths and Alternative people are freaks and into kinky things. They say and do all sorts of things that make us roll our eyes. I personally do not want to have to try and explain a whole entire subculture and lifestyle to someone outside of the scene.  All about do’s and don'ts and rights and wrongs of the whole thing. When strangers ask me on the street, I can explain certain things to them briefly, but ultimately I end up referring them to my blog and Youtube channel where I have already answered some of those same questions. And even at times referring them to other bloggers and writers who explain them a lot better than I ever could. That’s a huge chunk of my life that I’d have to explain to someone I’m dating all the time on top of everyone else. So it saves me a lot of time and energy by not.

Also because most of my experiences in this area happen to be negative, I have the right to be suspicious about some people in different ways. What if he lost a bet, what if that person is just trying to piss off their ex or their parents, or thinks I’m going to fulfill some sort of kinky fetish for them, or whatever. No Thank you.

·         Misconceptions about the Subculture

-There are all kinds of misconceptions and assumptions about people in the subculture

-Goth is not a religion

-You don’t have to be Atheist or Pagan

-You don’t have to dress or look the part at all

-Goth is an umbrella turn for a wide range of music, art, literature, fashion styles, etc

-Depression is a medical problem that all people of all walks of life face

-No, I’m not wearing all black waiting for some fuck boy to “turn me on to color”

-I don’t like negative attention no one does, it’s apart of the territory and everyone on some level has to deal with it regardless of who they are or what they wear.

·         Fetishizing of Alternative people

-Vampirism is an actual religion and some may choose to participate in it. Not all Goths or Alternative people are apart of this.

-Yes, some people are kinky but that doesn’t mean they want to be with you.

-Goths and Alternative people are not boxes to check off in terms of types of people you’ve slept with. No one is.

·         Race

In my personal experience, I feel that it’s more socially acceptable to be Goth/Alt and white it is to be a person of color. Especially within the African-American community. People assume you are self-hating and trying to be white because you look different and like different music and you surround yourself with like minded people of all races and cultures. A lot of people don’t believe me when I say I don’t like rap, hip hop, or R&B music. I don’t like talking with a lot of slang, I don’t care much for name brands such as Echo Red, Tommy Hilfiger, Apple Bottom, etc. I don’t fit into the stereotypes of what people expect a Black woman in America to look like, act like dress like, etc. I’m often seen as a “poser”, a “fake”, or something else entirely. People assume I’m from another country or I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood, that I’m lost of don’t have a sense of identity on my own or whatever. 

·         Micro-Aggressions and Teasing

People, even loved ones in general tend to lightly poke fun at each other and that’s normal. But there comes a certain point when people should realize there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed and certain things just aren’t funny. They are ignorant and hurtful and even when they see that it bothers you they continue to do it. The Halloween jokes, the  Goth jokes, the wise cracks about wearing all black, and so much more. Sometimes your partner can cross that line and gone unchecked it’ll continue to grow more and more out of hand. And when you do check them on behavior that’s not okay it leads to victim blaming and bashing and can make things worst. Sometimes your partner will be fine but their friends or family may say or do something harmful and your partner may fail to check it and tell you to “relax”, “it’s no big deal, “ “it’s just a joke…” And that can lead to further tension in your relationship.

I have never had a serious relationship with someone who wasn’t Goth or Alternative. I’ve been in a relationship for over 6 years now. These are the reason why some people may choose not to date outside of the scene. And these are my experiences. Yes, it is completely possible to find someone outside of the subculture who is kind and an overall good partner to be with and you can be happy together. I am not saying it’s not possible or that if you find someone you like outside of the scene you shouldn’t give it a chance. Just that when someone says that don’t date non-Goths or non-Alternative people. Please keep these points in mind about the experiences that person has had to deal with over time. They may not be an elitist or discriminating against people based on subculture or lack thereof. They may just be more protective of themselves, well-being, and energy and may not want to deal with situations and circumstances dealt with before.

Update: 

I lot of people responded to this original post with stories of how they don't experience some of these things and they are in happy and healthy relationships. Some have accused me of making things up for the sake of internet fame or whatever. I do not speak for everyone and their experiences. I am not saying that there is no possible way that anyone could not possibly be happy if they are in a relationship with someone who isn't Goth or Alternative. Or that all non-goth's are trash when it comes to dating. These are my experiences as well as a few around me.